I’m part of the first generation of mothers to have social media in my back pocket as I’m raising my children. This has its blessings and curses. Even before I understood the psychology and design behind these platforms, I was keenly aware that they were addicting and distracting. I found myself spending far more time on it than I felt I should, and I noticed that my usage increased significantly in times of stress or loneliness which was another red flag for me. I’ve heard the arguments that “every generation has had something” in regard to “distractions/addictions” or general “time sucks”. For one, it was smoking; for another, hours long phone conversations; for another, it was soap operas. While this may be true, none of those things were so insidious as social media is today by virtue of it being essentially free, totally portable, handheld and “on demand”. Never mind the fact that it has also been expertly designed to capitalize on (exploit?) psychological vulnerabilities in a way that some are claiming as inhumane, and borderline criminal. The “beauty” of this design is we never feel taken advantage of! Does the rat who seeks the sugar at the end of the maze feel exploited? Not with the high of that sugar rush. Maybe this seems exaggerated and uncomfortable to talk about. Most people don’t seem to have a problem with their social media consumption and aren’t even totally aware of their usage. Besides any perceived affect, the way we spend our time really does matter (especially as believers!), this is something I’ve personally struggled with and feel a strong conviction about.
After learning more about the psychology and design of social media I decided it was time for a detox. Here are 5 things I became aware of and a challenge I want to extend to you!
1. The small moments of our day can be devoted to idleness or intention.
For example, while I’m waiting for the last few minutes on the oven timer rather than scrolling social media I used that time to clear and wipe down outside of the fridge.
The moments between tidying the house and waiting for my husband to arrive were spent lighting some candles and sorting the mail.
While waiting on one child to finish their silent reading before narrations, instead of pulling out my phone I organized the school basket with new books and colored with my youngest. After dinner prep in the moments before it was time to assemble or put it in the oven I had time to set candles on the dinner table and play some music. When all of my children were playing contentedly, rather than scrolling I was able to join in, do some personal reading or cross some extra projects off of my list.
During afternoon quiet time, rather than spending more time on social media than I intended, I drank some tea, read, folded a basket of laundry and even took a power nap.
Some days I had only a couple moments like this, other days I noticed several small pockets, but all of these little moments each day would add up to major impact over the course of a week. The “in-between” moments that I typically would have checked social media became pockets of presence and beauty in my day. I felt more purposeful and present.
Rather than checking notifications and reels throughout our busy days, only to look up and notice crumbs on the floor, spices left on the counter, and cups scattered through the house we were moving more intentionally throughout our day; staying on top of the little things that can become overwhelming.
2. Social Media plays with our minds.
This is intentionally and by design. The creators and engineers use our attention as currency, which means they will do exactly what they need to in order to keep us engaged. From 3 second hooks in 7 second videos, catchy songs, targeted ads, bright notification buttons and varying content; they‘re able to supply a steady stream of dopamine to ping the reward centers in our brains and keep us scrolling. The more time we spend on the platform, the more “reactions” we give, the more money they make. Aside from this, the illusion of omniscience it feeds can be harmful in its own right. Within the palm of my hand and a 5 minute scroll I’m able to swoon over a video of a friend’s newborn infant, hear our president discuss serious food shortages, take note of a new bread recipe to try, listen to house representatives talk of potential cyber attacks from another country, read a scripture of hope, and try to block a “sponsored” music video that I consider offensive and grossly inappropriate; not to mention all of the emotions that went along with each post. Honestly, that was probably in the first 3 minutes, considering the average time engaged with a post is between 7-10 seconds. (These apps are harming our attention spans.) When I exited the app I noticed that I had subtly been clenching my jaw and breathing more shallow (things I tend to do in moments of tension). I’m not saying that being aware and informed of things is wrong, but we weren’t designed to be so aware and involved in so many issues at once; spanning states and even countries with the flick of a finger. While I do believe we should stay informed and connected, I don’t think social media “sound bites” are the best way to do this, particularly for those of us who tend to be more empathetic.
3. Irritation stems from overstimulation.
If overstimulation is a new word for you, let me give an example: Say you’re trying to navigate a new city with your spouse, in a rainstorm, at night, with the radio blaring, while multiple children bicker in the back. You might start feeing like you’re going to crawl out of your skin. You’d turn the music off, tell the kids to sit quietly and have your husband pull over to lessen the stimuli and get your bearings. That’s not an everyday scenario, but how about: you’re doubling the ingredients of a new recipe while listening to your favorite song when your 4th grader asks you what the difference is between a plural noun and a possessive noun and the toddler knocks a full cup off of the table. If the above described scenarios don’t cause you to itch or sweat, I applaud you-overstimulation probably isn’t your problem. My husband can have the radio on and engage in conversation while the kids are wrestling in the background, whereas I struggle to focus in those situations. I realized that scrolling social media in the pockets of my day was dividing my attention just enough to keep me in a subtle state of overstimulation. For example while waiting for one child to finish a math problem before helping them with the next I’m reading about the inflation rates and some rather disappointing forecasts from economists when another child comes to me whining about a sibling not sharing. In that moment I feel tense and stressed. Not because of helping with math and training siblings to share and speak politely, but because my mind is also on the dismal news and the notification that popped up just before I was “interrupted”. When I wasn’t popping in and out of social media throughout the day filling my mind with 100’s of sound bites and ideas, my focus felt much steadier and I felt like I had more bandwidth for the things that really needed my attention. I was talking with a friend when I realized the perfect metaphor for life with and without social media..
Do you remember those electric orbs that were popular in the 90’s? Apparently, they were called Plasma lamps. When nothing is touching the orb (no social media) the electricity calmly dances around; just like life, there’s some stress but it’s manageable and our day moves along. But when you place your hand on the glass (spend a chunk of time on social media) that simple beam of electricity goes crazy and splits and buzzes into a bunch of different directions. Again, I'm not assuming everyone struggles with overstimulation- but for those of us who do, social media is a certain recipe for added stress.
4. It’s crippling spiritual fellowship.
Because we are not omniscient beings we function in phases of input and output. We cannot breathe in an out simultaneously, we cannot listen fully while talking. We cannot sleep while walking and if we are constantly putting food to our mouth we’ll make ourselves sick. So it goes with spiritual fellowship. I found myself reading my Bible, praying, and then checking social media. Every spare moment became filled with something. There weren’t moments in my day where my mind was free to listen, ponder, or meditate. If I thought of a friend rather than praying for them I would search their profile to see what they’ve been up to. When I’m constantly cramming my eyeballs with stimuli, and filling my ears in any moment of silence I end up forgetting to listen. My prayers become one sided monologues instead of a genuine conversation. In my time away from social media, while putting boundaries on phone use I noticed myself praying more throughout my day, but I also noticed myself listening and meditating more. There was margin for more spiritual intimacy that was otherwise getting crowded out. Rather than simply looking a friend up on social media, I was more apt to take a moment and pray for them and then send them a text or call to let them know I was specifically thinking of them which often started sweet and encouraging conversations.
5. It’s not just social media.
For the first week after deleting facebook and Instagram (the only social media platforms I’m active on) I found myself filling that time with arbitrary Google searches, pinterest scrolling, email reading and looking up song lyrics. I struggled to stay focused for longer than 30 minutes without thinking about something I wanted to do on my phone. “Oh, I want to look that up.” “I wonder if there’s an app for that…” “I know I saw that recipe on that blog… or maybe the other blog… hmm, better check.” Etc. I was still craving those pops of stimuli that were sprinkled throughout my day. That’s when I realized that to get the most “bang for my buck“ in regard to a social media detox, I needed to set some firm boundaries around phone use in general. Rather than instantly looking up some question or idea, I’d note it down in my planner to check later when I had time to sit down with a screen. I found, more often than not, things that seemed pressing in the moment weren’t all that important after all. I decided it would be most worthwhile and sustainable reinforce some boundaries for all phone use in general. Just like physical fitness, I don’t think this is something I’ll do once and enjoy results forever. It will take consistent effort, consideration and regular checking in.
In a nutshell, I noticed myself feeling more relaxed and patient as I went about my day. I was able to focus, think and meditate. (All things I find incredibly enjoyable) I prayed for friends and loved ones more than I scrolled through their pictures and I used pockets of time throughout my days to do more of what I loved; reading, cultivating an atmosphere or being completely present and undistracted with those in my presence. My husband and a couple close friends even remarked that I seemed more joyful and relaxed than I had in a while. It was true. Now, I found myself cautious to ever return, and so, my break went much longer than planned. I had to consider what my tech use would look like if I wanted to continue writing a blog. (Do blogs survive without social media anymore?!) This is where those aforementioned boundaries and a healthy dose of accountability would be critical.
Perhaps you resonate with some of these struggles and have considered a “fast” of your own. Maybe you’re not introverted but still wish you had more time to create, pursue other ventures or spend quality time with friends and loved ones and haven’t really considered your tech use. Can I encourage you?
Remember that we are stewards of the time allotted us and consider how to better use that to glorify God. Again, this isn’t going to be a “set it and forget it” area of life, but one we should be checking in with regularly.
Some questions for further consideration:
1. How much time do I actually spend on my phone each day ? (Check your screentime feature) How much time do I spend on other screens? (how long are your evening shows and how many episodes do you watch? Etc.)
2. Do I feel that the time I spend on tech properly reflects my goals, and priorities? Am I stewarding tech time well?
3. What are 3 things I could improve this week with regard to tech time? (Make these things specific and measurable! Instead of saying: Spend less time on social media. Say: Limit social media to 1 hour a day.)
Warmly,
Abbey
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