The weight of loneliness sat in the pit of my stomach like a stone. A knot in the back of my throat and tears ready just behind my eyes. Heaven forbid someone ask me how I’m doing in that moment because it took everything I had just to keep my breathing steady. The pain was amplified by being around others, even at church. I struggled to form friendships that left the building.
This has actually been the scenario at a few points in my life, whether it was due to the difficulty of coordinating drastically different nap schedules for play dates, being too nervous to reach out first, moving to a new state or church, or a specific season of grief and suffering that made the quiet nights seem especially long. I’m acquainted enough with the pain of loneliness to offer compassion, and I’ve grown enough spiritually to be able to offer truth and insight that ultimately set me free from the hollow despair. Praise God for the women, and teachers who have ministered to me with love and truth in seasons of loneliness so that I might learn how to "suffer well" and grow in my faith. These are the things I want to share with you.
The most helpful thing to remember is that a believer is never truly alone. It seems to me that Fear and Loneliness run in the same circles, and they're both liars who rely heavily on a state of delusion in order to gain control. When those lies would have us believe that we're the only lonely soul, that no one understands, or that we'll always feel this ache- we must combat those with truth, but we can only do so when we acknowledge the lie. The bottom line truth: we have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to comfort, convict and pray for us when we don’t have the words. If these words don't console you in the least, I'd encourage you to pour your heart out to the Lord and pray through some of the psalms that will remind your heart of the Lord's faithfulness.(Psalm 43:5, Psalm 62:5-8 are a couple of my personal favorites) We also have Jesus, who intercedes at the right hand of the father for us at all times, a gentle shepherd who has clothed us in righteousness so that we may also go boldly before the throne, approaching God the Father who is sovereign over all things and provides for our greatest needs. We are never truly alone, though we may feel contrary. What does this tell us? Loneliness is a state of mind. This is painfully evident for those who have felt gnawing loneliness while surrounded by people. So the antidote for loneliness then isn’t merely presence of people, but relationship; fellowship and intimacy.
What are we to do when that fellowship is lacking, or the intimacy hasn’t taken root just yet, and the weight of loneliness is a present struggle? Use these 3 points as a launching pad.
1. Pray. Pour your heart out to the Lord. Allow your spirit to find comfort in your Savior using the ache of loneliness to ignite fellowship with God. Too often as believers when we feel the pain of isolation, or anxiety, we run to our friends before we run to the throne. Loneliness that beckons us toward our Creator becomes a powerful blessing in our lives and spiritual growth. It isn’t wrong to recognize that we were made to be in fellowship and relationship with other people, but it’s foolish for those things to become an idol or keep us from praying. Pray for friendships and edifying relationship with those around you, while anchoring yourself in fellowship with the Lord.
2. Reflect. The acute awareness of being alone can serve as a reminder of our citizenship. This world is not our home, we have been adopted and grafted into a heavenly kingdom. Let's call it a "blessed shoulder shake" when we feel as though we don't “belong” here, and we are pilgrims passing through. Our worth is not validated by the status of our intimate relationships or the number of friends we have. We can rest in knowing that we have been bought with a price and belong most assuredly to our Savior, as eternal family. Our deep insecurity of “What if I never find belonging?” is met with, “God, in his goodness and sovereignty has placed me precisely where I am; I do belong here. I also belong to a royal family that will enjoy unfettered fellowship for eternity.” Our ultimate comfort then, comes through Christ's finished work on the cross and our adoption as Sons and Daughters.
3. Serve. Those who have wrestled with loneliness should be marked by having some of the warmest and most hospitable hearts within the church. Having an acute awareness of the aching isolation, we ought to seek to cultivate a welcome place for others. Our smiles and and conversation should shine as beacons to those who feel lost at sea. Here may lie the biggest snare of loneliness- we easily become self-absorbed. Thinking of how "no one approached me..." or "everyone else was talking together" rather than taking action is not only childish, it's an insidious form of pride. Let me reiterate: wallowing in our loneliness is an insidious form of pride. We expect our loneliness to shine as some sort of porch lamp, attracting others to tend our wounds and welcome us in. If we allow our thoughts to stay here, we have allowed the enemy to rope us at the ankles. As Spurgeon said "There is no university for a Christian, like that of sorrow and trial." in Christ, our feelings of loneliness are not wasted, we are learning and growing more in His likeness each day we surrender our lives and walk in obedience regardless of our feelings.
We can acknowledge our pain and loneliness and then we must grab the helm and direct our actions and affections rightly. We do this with prayer, thanksgiving, supplication and a genuine focus on serving others with hospitality.
When we view loneliness through the lens of God's sovereignty, we are equipped to take something the enemy would use as a snare, and use it as a catalyst for prayer, worship, intimacy with our savior, and hospitality toward others. Even our loneliness becomes an opportunity to grow in godliness and bring glory to God.
If you find yourself struggling with a season loneliness, it's my earnest prayer that you would find encouragement here. Let's reorient our gaze toward our good and sovereign God, remind our souls of his perfect faithfulness and commit to growing in godliness and contentment exactly where we are, even as we pray for biblical friendships and edifying relationships.
Romans 8:28
Sincerely, Abbey
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